Short Funny Jokes

ABSENTMINDEDNESS

2012-01-26T21:13:00.000-08:00

The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the man with shame and confusion.

That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn:

"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"

The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out. He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone of deep regret:

"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."

The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits, returned home, and had his ring at the door answered by a new maid. The girl looked at him inquiringly:

"Um—ah—is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.

"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."

The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man sat down on the steps to wait for himself.

The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:

"I beg your pardon, madam."

Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of the path.

"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.

The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback. One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil, he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.

FUNNY SHORT JOKES LUCK

2011-04-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

"Tommy," said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How can you eat so much?"

"Don't know; it's just good luck," replied the youngster.

REALLY FUNNY JOKES LOYALTY

2011-03-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening, got into his auto and started for town.

At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began to get nervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear the suspense no longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off to the telegraph office with six telegrams to as many brother Elks living in town, asking each if her husband was stopping with him overnight.

Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence of the missing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a farmer and the derelict husband drove up to the house, while behind the wagon trailed the broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came a messenger boy with an answer to one of the telegrams, followed at intervals by five others. All of them read:

"Yes, John is spending the night with me."—Bush Phillips.

BOY—"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father more'n half an hour."

POLICEMAN—"Why didn't you tell me before?"

BOY—"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES LOVE

2011-03-27T04:59:00.000-07:00

MR. SLIMPURSE—"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?"

MRS. SLIMPURSE—"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our daughter make the same blunder."

MAUDE—"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold."

ETHEL—"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"

MAUDE—"His creditors."

RICH MAN—"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?"

SUITOR—"Why, certainly!"

RICH MAN—"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family."

SOME SHORT JOKES LOST AND FOUND

2011-03-25T22:33:00.001-07:00

"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised 'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"

"What were you in for?" asked the friend.
"I found a horse."
"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse."
"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him."

"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no longer—it has been found."—Brooklyn Life.

A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted this notice:
"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate its immediate return."
That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, what were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were these lines:
"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the owner would kindly lose the other link."

CHINAMAN—"You tellee me where railroad depot?"
CITIZEN—"What's the matter, John? Lost?"
CHINAMAN—"No! me here. Depot lost."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES LISPING

2011-03-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an unusual lisp.
"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES LIBRARIANS

2011-03-25T22:10:00.001-07:00

A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He says: "To my way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear head, a strong hand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be greatest among librarians; and when I look into the future, I am inclined to think that most of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women."

SOME FUNNY JOKES ABOUT LIARS

2011-03-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

There are three kinds of liars:

1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone.

2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out that you are a hypocrite.

3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious individual. Encourage him.

Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over and called:

"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"

"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly.

"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or not."

"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never dare to call me a liar if Oi wor aloive."

FATHER (reprovingly)—"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"

JOHNNY—"Yes, sir; they lie still."

A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied:

"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully."

The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as mon to mon?"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the captain and lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most iligant liars the Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."

A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the proper pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled upon arrival at his station to hear the conductor yell:

"You're a liar! You're a liar!"

And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:

"You really are! You really are!"

MOTHER—"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I was a little girl."

BOBBY—"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"—Horace Zimmerman.

The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old Si Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in.

"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you call Si Perkins a liar?"

"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly, but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order to get any response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call 'em for him."

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help in time of trouble.

An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy young easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently took them to be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to chaff them with a recital something as follows:

"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down."

At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. Not a word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very slowly, "for the second time."

"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little Bostonian, "that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of that grizzly."

"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That grizzly died mighty hard."

"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian.

"Yes, sir," said the guide.

"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get him to swallow?"

FUNNY JOKES LEGISLATORS

2011-03-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair unfortunates to whom he was introduced.

"I don't remember having seen you here before," said she; "how long have you been in the asylum?"

"Oh, I only came down yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of the Legislative Committee."

"Of course," returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I knew you were an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I looked at you. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know which."

FUNNY JOKES LEAP YEAR

2011-03-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:

"George, as it is leap year—"

The caller turned pale.

"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose—"

"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted hurriedly.

"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible fellows a chance."—L.F. Clarke.

Another Funny Jokes About Laziness

2011-03-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a mountainous region in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants are notoriously shiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the noon hour, he inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner.

The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree in front of his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed Ma'd hev suthin' on to the table putty soon."

With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his chagrin, however, he soon discovered that the food set before him was such that he could not possibly "make a meal." He made such excuses as he could for his lack of appetite, and finally bethought himself of a kind of nourishment which he might venture to take, and which was sure to be found in any locality. He asked for some milk.

"Don't have milk no more," said the head of the place. "The dawg's dead."

"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do with it?"

"Well," explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem to know 'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he used to go for 'em an' fetch 'em up."—Edwin Tarrisse.

LAZINESS FUNNY JOKE

2010-12-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

"How's times?" inquired a tourist.

"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting on a stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved me the trouble."

"Fine."

"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the trouble of burnin' it."

"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"

"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and shake the potatoes out of the ground."

JOKE OF THE DAY LAZINESS

2010-12-02T09:34:00.000-08:00

While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was howling.

"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."

"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is painful."

"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.

"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"

"Lazy."

"But why does laziness make him howl?"

"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar an' howls 'cause it hurts."

FUNNY JOKES LAZINESS

2010-12-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a stretch.

"Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of money shipping green corn to the northern market."

"Yes, I otter," was the sullen reply.

"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed."

"Yes, I guess so."

"Then why don't you go into the speculation?"

"No use, stranger," sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is too lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'."

Really Funny Jokes - A man walking along.....

2010-12-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in the sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, brought suit against the village for one thousand dollars and won the case. The city appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the great lawyer won.

After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed him one dollar.

"What's this?" asked the man.

"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal and other expenses," replied the counsel.

The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully scanned the other side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matter with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?"

Short Funny Jokes - What is that little boy

2010-11-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old lady of the ragged boy.

"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response.

"But how is it that you have the candy now?"

"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer."

Funny Jokes - A prisoner was brought......

2010-11-27T23:19:00.000-08:00

A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but was not represented by a lawyer.

"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided.

"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner.

"Why not?" queried the judge.

"Because I have no money to pay one."

"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge.

"Yes, sir."

"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. George Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys who were sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, "and Mr. Allen is out in the hall."

The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical survey, he turned to the judge and said:

"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. Allen."—A.S. Hitchcock.

Funny Jokes - Law Department...

2010-10-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. The telephone rang.

"Well, what is it?" he snapped.

"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice.

"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law Department."

"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it so far, after all, did I?"—Carl Holliday.

Dat's hard luck...

2010-10-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal emerged from the window.

"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in disgust.

"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"

customers to dispose of this morning...

2010-10-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of this morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, who had dropped in at the police court.

"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at the wrong bunch. Those are the lawyers."

Funny Jokes - darky in Georgia

2010-10-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some chickens, had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney, although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal, the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt.

The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah," said he cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced. "Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I 'spected. I thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer dat you'd hang me, shore!"

Funny Jokes - stealing a horse

2010-10-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial the jury acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and asked the judge for a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him.

"What's the charge?" inquired the judge.

"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the money to pay him his fee, so he took the horse I stole."—J.J. O'Connell.

FUNNY JOKES LAWYERS

2010-09-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly inquired of those present:

"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be funny?"

When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:

"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?"

REALLY FUNNY JOKES LAUGHTER

2010-09-20T04:19:00.001-07:00

TEACHER—"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."

FREDDIE—"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."

Short Funny Jokes - Prince Bismarck

2010-09-20T04:18:00.000-07:00

Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official to recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very remarkable fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven languages."

"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would make!"

Short Jokes - Milton was one day

2010-09-20T04:17:00.000-07:00

Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in the different languages.

"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any woman."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES LANGUAGES

2010-09-20T04:15:00.000-07:00

George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand a word that the native said.

"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer hasn't a tooth in his head, and he was only talking gum-Arabic."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES LANDLORDS

2010-09-17T06:59:00.001-07:00

An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him.

"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in this district!"

"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the landlords—he lives in England!"

LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES

2010-09-17T06:58:00.003-07:00

A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out.

"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.

"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.

Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:

"I'll be durned if I'll work for that!"

FUNNY JOKES KULTUR

2010-09-17T06:58:00.001-07:00

HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)—"I think you iss a stupid fool!"

MONSIEUR—"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we both mistaken."—Life.

SHORT FUNNY JOKES KNOWLEDGE

2010-09-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said: "My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't teach mine a single trick."

The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn him nothin'."

FUNNY JOKES KISSES

2010-09-03T06:17:00.000-07:00

"What is he so angry with you for?"

"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and tried to kick me."

"And what were you talking about?"

"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss my wife three or four times every day.'"

"And what did you say?"

"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had a fit."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES KISSES

2010-09-03T06:14:00.000-07:00

"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your mother."

"No; my lawyer."

Funny Jokes - Kaiser Wilhelm

2010-09-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General Von Meerscheidt for some small lapses.

"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permit me to resign," said the General.

"No; you are too young to resign," said the Kaiser.

In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the old General talking to some young ladies, and he said:

"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament will vanish."

"Excuse me, your Majesty," replied the General. "It would kill me to have both a young wife and a young Emperor."

Short Funny Jokes - EUROPEAN SOCIETY

2010-09-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY—"Wouldn't you like to be presented to our sovereign?"

SECOND E.S.L.—"No. Simply because I have to be governed by a man is no reason why I should condescend to meet him socially."

Funny Jokes - The present King George..

2010-09-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in company with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, given in honor of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his time exclusively to the young ladies, paying little or no attention to the elderly ones and chaperons.

His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social position and his duty as well.

"That's all right," said the young Prince. "There are two of us. You go and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the girls."

FUNNY JOKES KINGS AND RULERS

2010-08-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to my accomplishments."

"Aren't they rather light?"

"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution occurs and I have to go into vaudeville."

FUNNY JOKES KINDNESS

2010-08-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his toes.

As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.

"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.

"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply self-defense."

FUNNY SHORT JOKES KINDNESS

2010-08-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme that basket, Hannah."

The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look.

"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered.

"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES JUSTICE

2010-08-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour ago!"

"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too hard, so I thought I'd just even up."

FUNNY JOKES JURY

2010-08-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whom the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore an air of a man determined not to "get the worst of it."

"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to challenge any of the jury?"

The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.

"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin', but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in th' corner."

SHORT FUNNY JOKE JUDGMENT

2010-08-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

HUSBAND—"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."

WIFE—"Oh, yes—you married me, and I you."—Life.

FUNNY JOKES JUDGES

2010-08-18T06:34:00.000-07:00

A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a charge of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judge asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard.

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try to 'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as not yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo' wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de bench whar yo' am familiar."—Mrs. L.F. Clarke.

REALLY FUNNY JOKES JUDGES

2010-08-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish. An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the interpreter.

"What does he say?" demanded his lordship.

"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.

"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what was it?"

"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to do with the case."

"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, what did he say?"

"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old woman with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"

At which the court roared.

"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable.

"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hang you."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES JOURNALISM

2010-08-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

"Come in," called the magazine editor.

"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you bought two years ago. My name is Pensnink—Percival Perrhyn Pensnink. My composition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in Thunderstorms,' and I should like to know how much longer I must watch and wait before I shall see it in print."

"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little essay to use at the time of your death. When public attention is drawn to an author we like to have something of his on hand."

REALLY FUNNY JOKES JOURNALISM

2010-08-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati Enquirer and the Washington Post, tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge of the Cincinnati newspaper: An Enquirer reporter was sent to a town in southwestern Ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had been greatly talked about. The reporter attended one of her meetings and occupied a front seat. When those who wished to be saved were asked to arise, he kept his seat and used his notebook. The evangelist approached, and, taking him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus."

"Madam," said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on business—to report your work."

"Brother," said she, "there is no business so important as God's."

"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John R. McLean."

SHORT JOKES JOURNALISM

2010-08-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate, "this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored old aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout dat; dat'll come right in time."

Jokes

2010-08-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago from Egypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and multiplied. They are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidote for thought are indispensable at all dinner parties.

There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country was formed they added a constitution, which increased the number to twenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among themselves and their children travel from press to press.

Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to San Francisco.

The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, he tells the story of his life over and over again. Outside of the ballot-box he is the greatest repeater that we have.

Jokes are of three kinds—plain, illustrated and pointless. Frequently they are all three.

No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form one of our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turn out the often neatly finished product. The importation of jokes while considerable is not as great as it might be, as the flavor is lost in transit.

Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As scenebreakers they have no equal.—Life.

Short Jokes - JOKELY

2010-08-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

JOKELY—"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last week."

BOGGS—"What luck did you have with them?"

JOKELY—"Oh, they all came flying back."—Will S. Gidley.

Funny Story - despairing of his life.....

2010-08-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the waiting-room.

After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't he?"

"One of the best," the gentleman told him.

Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.

"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then, ain't he? Vat does he charge?"

The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five dollars for each visit thereafter."

"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky—"Fifty tollars the first time und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"

For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept muttering. Finally, just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.

"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am again."

Short Funny Jokes - The men were arguing.....

2010-08-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One said Stephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it was the man who invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. Still another for the Wrights,

Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent:

"Who do you think?"

"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interest was no slouch."

FUNNY JOKES JEWS

2010-08-07T11:29:00.001-07:00

He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively at the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat with him.

The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he began politely.

"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee.

"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card.

"But you're a Jew?"

"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer.

"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little village in Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a Jew."

"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly.

SHORT FUNNY JOKES IRREVERENCE

2010-08-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude Atherton. After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James as follows:

"Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or not?"

Sincerely,
"GERTRUDE ATHERTON."

JOKE OF THE DAY IRISHMEN

2010-07-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons and invited his caller to take a look at them.

"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father.

"They are," agreed the visitor.

"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver laid violent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince."—Popular Magazine.

Really Funny Jokes - Applicant does not know...

2010-07-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except that they died at an advanced age.

Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that she fully recovered from her last illness.

Applicant has never been fatally sick.

Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child.

Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she was cured before death.

Funny Jokes - The ways in which application...

2010-07-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up are often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journal shows in the following excellent selection of examples:

Mother died in infancy.

Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead.

Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she bade fair to reach a ripe old age.

JOKES ABOUT IRISH BULLS

2010-07-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

MRS. JENKINS—"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a house next you, with a water frontage."

MRS. SMITH—"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."

In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:

"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen are requested to make use of them only after the former are seated."

Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in two places at the same time, barring he is a bird."

A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech, remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don't know why it is—every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then he wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.—Grub S. Arts.

Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being tried for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side, and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, not loudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery, scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in a stage whisper:

"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"

Some Funny Irish Jokes

2010-07-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle and chewing gum.

"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in."

MAGISTRATE—"You admit you stole the pig?"

PRISONER—"I 'ave to."

MAGISTRATE—"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will be safe."—M.L. Hayward.

"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideon did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the other."—Joe King.

"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."

"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"

"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it."

A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton procession from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by a policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree. Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where ye can see it frum."

SHOT JOKES An Irishman...

2010-07-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on I'll git off."

SHORT JOKES IRISH BULLS

2010-07-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother."

FUNNY JOKES IRISH BULLS

2010-07-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av the foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless."

REALLY FUNNY JOKES INVITATIONS

2010-07-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented, provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but, rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite Tommy.

On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrived except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son.

"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?"

"Yes, Mother."

"And did he say he would not come?"

"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him to come."

Funny Jokes MARION

2010-07-09T08:12:00.000-07:00

MARION (just from the telephone)—"He wanted to know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."

MADELINE—"Who was speaking?"

MARION—"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."

Funny Jokes - One day a Chinese poor...

2010-07-07T06:18:00.000-07:00

One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street.

"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said graciously.

"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night do just as well?"

"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarin curiously.

"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me tonight's invitation."

FUNNY JOKES INVITATIONS

2010-07-06T06:31:00.000-07:00

"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:

"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who cannot come may send."—Howard Morse.

SHORT FUNNY JOKES INTERVIEWS

2010-07-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"

"No," replied Senator Soghum.

"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"

"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES INSURGENTS

2010-07-01T06:46:00.001-07:00

"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call that kind of cucumber?"

"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It doesn't always agree with a party."

FUNNY JOKES LIFE INSURANCE

2010-07-01T06:41:00.000-07:00

A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day.

"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.

"No," said the man.

"Do you motor?"

"No."

"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"

"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous—"

But the agent interrupted him curtly.

"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."

FUNNY JOKES INSTRUCTIONS

2010-06-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform.

"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir, but—"

"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into another. I want you to—"

"But, say, boss, I—"

"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the good of it. Not a word, sir."

The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell you—but I ain't going out on that train."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES INSPIRATIONS

2010-06-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

She was from Boston, and he was not.

He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.

Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and Juliet?'"

He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant thought, blurted out, happily:

"I've—I've read Romeo!"

SHORT FUNNY JOKES INFANTS

2010-06-22T06:32:00.000-07:00

A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you have the baby half the time."

"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"

"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."

*******

"Is the baby strong?"

"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"

"Yes."

"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"—Comic Cuts.

SHORT FUNNY JOKES IMITATION

2010-06-20T22:16:00.001-07:00

Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of As You Like It near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice.

One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:

"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."

REALLY FUNNY JOKES IMAGINATION

2010-06-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages.

"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your's don't come till September."

"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels when they were making you."

The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking mother's heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said. "Don't you remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"

"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw them carried into the corner drug store!"

FUNNY JOKES ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS

2010-06-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new."

The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers to the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing, and stuck. The patient hadn't seen the cockroach—what he did see was his escaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track up the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the letter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.

"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years."

REALLY FUNNY JOKES IDEALS

2010-06-14T11:32:00.000-07:00

The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalked above it:

"Keep your eye on this and do your best."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES HYPOCRISY

2010-06-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"

TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."—Graham Charteris.

FUNNY STORY HYPERBOLE

2010-06-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to see how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster than the boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. Three men have taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boy a horrible death by starving, but the stalk grows so rapidly that they can't hit twice in the same place. The boy is living on green corn alone and has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs. Even if the corn holds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height where he will be frozen to death. There is some talk of attempting his rescue with a balloon.—Topeka Capital.

SHORT FUNNY JOKES HYPERBOLE

2010-06-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought my fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest one."

He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was forced to continue unurged:

"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em 'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up their minds to get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, carryin' one along with the vine and—"

But his companions had already started toward the barroom door.

HYBRIDIZATION

2010-06-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter attached to the Berlin War Office, who has crossed carrier pigeons with parrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through the enemy's lines.—Warwick James Price.

Short Funny Jokes - MR. HOMEBODY

2010-06-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

MR. HOMEBODY—"I see you keep copies of all the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating yourself?"

MR. FARAWAY—"No. To avoid contradicting myself."

Funny Jokes - An inveterate poker player

2010-06-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his late hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:

"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the ease of experience.

"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirred in her sleep and pushed me on the head.

"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.

"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick her hand, and she dozed off again!"

SHORT FUNNY JOKES 4 YOU

2010-06-03T06:11:00.000-07:00

"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."

"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."

*******

"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"

"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."—Judge.

*******

A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out the eye of the man behind her.

"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.

*******

OLD MONEY (dying)—"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes, dear."

YOUNG WIFE—"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how very kind you were when you left me."

Funny Jokes - Mrs. McKinley

2010-06-02T07:02:00.000-07:00

Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again.

"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her marriage.

"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.

"And is your husband a good provider?"

"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. "Why, jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at."

Really Funny Jokes - A happily married woman

2010-06-02T06:46:00.000-07:00

A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock, and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an amusing old colored woman for a cook.

One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"

"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.

"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."

Really Funny Jokes - MR. HENPECK

2010-05-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

MR. HENPECK—"Is my wife going out, Jane?"

JANE—"Yessir."

MR. HENPECK—"Do you know if I am going with her?"

Short Funny Jokes - you're a habit..

2010-05-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to another during a talk.

"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.

"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband—you're a habit."

Funny Short Jokes - NEIGHBOR

2010-05-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

NEIGHBOR—"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?"

LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW—"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp's nearer 'is mark!"

Very Funny Jokes - Your husband says...

2010-05-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.

"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."

Funny Jokes - A couple of old grouches

2010-05-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were one night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up his residence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited the old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of the Benedict.

"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.

"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'll tell you of a little incident in their household that came within my observation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friend answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in the breakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, he said:

"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"—Edwin Tarrisse.

Really Funny Jokes - An eminent German scientist

2010-05-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with a number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling how much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.

"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.

"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so swift, so safe chenerally—und such luxury in all dhe furnishings und opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing—our wives do not like dhe upper berths."

Funny Jokes - A husband and wife

2010-05-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided between them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at the old address, but the husband went on a tour.

After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliation took place, as the result of which they became business partners once more. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers:

"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently increased."

SHORT FUNNY JOKES HUSBANDS

2010-05-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

"Is she making him a good wife?"

"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."

*****

I always love to read funny jokes!

SHORT FUNNY JOKES HUNTING

2010-05-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting" in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game.

After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor's first barrell.

The host's face fell also.

"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was the only snipe in the neighborhood."

The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks.

FUNNY JOKES HUNGER

2010-05-25T07:03:00.000-07:00

A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to devour it. But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, which was in turn devoured. This was repeated until the last famished wolf was almost upon him with yearning jaws, when—

"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to your reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven inside of him."

"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he wasn't so darned famished after all."

Really Funny Jokes - A youngster

2010-05-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloud to him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was called to the telephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now you beat it home." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and raconteur, hails from a little town in the western part of the state, but his patriotism is state-wide, and when Louisville made a bid for the last Democratic national convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than James. A Denver supporter was protesting.

"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take care of the crowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and the dining-rooms of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough."

"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville would make her visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman would think of going to bed!"

Short Funny Jokes - The old friends

2010-05-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

The old friends had had three days together.

"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morning of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet."

"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host comfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you come again."

FUNNY JOKES HOSPITALITY

2010-05-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door.

As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream of water coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally the red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window.

"Watcher want?" it asked.

"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answered testily.

The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering.

"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window.

Funny Jokes - Before Abraham Lincoln became......

2010-05-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town on important law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired a horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he took the horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him: "Keep this horse for funerals?"

"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.

"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn't get there in time for the resurrection."

Very Funny Jokes - There's a grocer who......

2010-05-22T09:52:00.002-07:00

There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh.

The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of his master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell ill and died.

"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the next morning.

"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.

"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for my horse?"

"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You can take it out of my next Saturday's wages."

Funny Jokes - A German farmer

2010-05-22T09:52:00.001-07:00

A German farmer was in search of a horse.

"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five years old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."

The German threw his hands skyward.

"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, und mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."